The Dream Diaries

Dreams. Does anybody understand what they really are? Some suggest that they are manifestations of our subconscious desires, whilst others postulate that they are simple the result of latent chemical reactions in our brains. Freudian theory in particular likes to focus on dreams, with most symbolism pointing back to our internal repression of sexual and violent urges. For example, if you dream about birds flying, that means you want to shoot the birds out of the sky and have sex with the corpses. Or maybe you're a just repressed ornithologist -- it's your call.

Regardless of their origins, dreams have the power to change the world. But whilst uppity people like Martin Luther King regale us with their poncy and exuberant dreams, most of us are just content with a little dream about horses or some such carefree fancy. I personally enjoy a good dream as much as the next man, and often find occasion to relay my dreams to my good friend Dave whilst they are still fresh in my mind. Thanks to MSN's chat logging facility I have inadvertently created for myself a 'Dream Diary' of sorts -- a catalogue of all the wild flights of my sleeping brain's imagination. I believe the time has come to share this Dream Diary, this Pandora's Box of my subconscious shenanigans, with the world. Perhaps it will provide a valuable insight into my fragile and damaged mind. Perhaps it will leave you with a bitter aftertaste in your head as you struggle to digest what you have just imagined. Perhaps neither of these things will happen and you'll have just wasted your time reading another substandard blog from a two-bit wannabe who should be doing coursework and not arsing around cutting and pasting chatlogs onto his website. Who knows!


This first dream sets the tone for the rest of the diary: it contains racism and drug references.

had a dream last night
you and me had a massive greenhouse where we were growing drugs
we were making dodgy dealings with black gangsters
i think alex crane was involved too
let's do it
i want dodgy dealings with black gangsters
these were serious playas
they'd pop a nigga if he so much as looked at y'all


I'm the life and soul!

more dreamy times last night
first involved brighton but i don't remember your presence
in my second, more vivid dream, i came home to find about 30 people having a party in the house
someone had done a shit in my room
i threw them all out and phoned the police
sums up your opinion of house parties


This dream fulfils the minimum anti-Semitism quota I impose on all my blog entries.

i had a dream last night
i was in a train station loading stuff onto a train
and i said "i need a wee"
and someone was like "you'll have to cross the line to the other platform"
"but why can't i go to the toilet on this platform?"
"it's for jews only"
and there was a nazi officer walking out of it for some reason when i glanced over
it had the israeli flag above it i think
the toilet was apparently a memorial to the holocaust
so i thought to myself "i'll just go in and have a wee... no one will know i'm not a jew"
but then i realised someone might see my uncircumcised penis
so i relented and crossed the rails to the other platform
i dream of jewish apartheid in my sleep
what's wrong with me


I had a lot of dreams around the time I was playing stealth videogame Hitman. This is one of them.

my 2nd dream was like hitman
i was either playing hitman or being an actual assassin
but anyway, i think i killed this guy
and had to go to his funeral
and for some bizzarre reason, you know how you lay stuff at someone's grave, well i laid down a shoe in a long sock
and i was walking away from the funeral and everyone was walking towards it
in the sainsbury's carpark
and everyone was like "where you going?"
and i realised i'd left the funeral too early
and the service hadn't started
then i somehow transitioned back to work
where i was stood around
and an alarm went off
and the manager said "sounds like a brick"
so i rushed outside, and there was a brick missing from the footbridge outside the shop (over the river)
weird because in reality it's made out of wood
and a woman was stood around crying
and there was a car parked on the bridge, stopped by the missing brick
it was driven by a man wearing tights on his head, like a robber
when i went back in i had to console one of the supervisors who was very upset by the missing brick


Mr Clist was my old computing teacher. If only he could see me now!

i had the craziest dream last night
mr clist was force-feeding me iodine
and he refused to tell me why
is iodine poisonous?
i doubt drinking it is good for you
let's just say that


Sometimes I think Timothy McVeigh had the same sort of dreams as me.

had the mentalist hitman-induced dream last night
some of us invaded B&Q
and i had to kill a security guard
and hold others up with my pistol
and we were there for ages
and afterwards it turned out everyone had been building a house for someone outside the fire exit, using B&Q's stock
and the person who we'd made the house for complained it didn't have a water filter


I think I'm too predictable for Scrubs, actually.

i dreamt i was in the cast of 'scrubs' last night
there was a recurring joke about siamese twins
not really


I Give Up!

i had a dream last night
i hoped it would rival your steve coogan comedy dream
but it turned out to be the most banal dream ever
the MP3 tags on my copy of The Postal Service album were all incorrect, and i was very confused


I wonder what Freud would have to say about this. Or House.

then in the final part of this trilogy, i dreamt i was in medical drama "House", and watched as Gregory House M.D. diagnosed a baby shooting explosive red poo out of its bum


Last but not least.

i dreamt there was this old man in my house, wanking into my sink, leaving his cum in the plug hole

I had plenty of other dreams which were too long, disturbing or illegal to post on the Web. The edited material includes one where I had to help a nun commit suicide in a bathtub, another where I drove a boat away from a massive spider on a mangrove tree, and several involving me shooting people (but disappointingly, not having sex with them -- before or afterwards).

I hope you've found my Dream Diaries to be both enlightening and horrific. I personally read every one and laughed out loud, but I realise dreams are very subjective so I am genuinely sorry if this was all a waste of time. Also my apologies to Dave, who is actually capable of using words other than "ha" and its derivatives in a conversation. I included his bits to make it look like I wasn't just talking to myself.

Permalink || Posted 28/1/2007 by Pete


  1. Mrs Bigley - 28/1/2007 - 9:14pm

    Ken had a dream once. Then they cut off his head. Oh, my poor Ken. :-(

  2. Boothman - 28/1/2007 - 10:29pm

    What a delightful bag of toss.

  3. Liberal - 29/1/2007 - 2:37pm

    Get your viagra at!
    Get your viagra at!
    Get your viagra at!
    Get your viagra at!
    Get your viagra at!

  4. Phiiiil(the female one) - 1/2/2007 - 1:02am

    I laughed out loud at every single one Pete. I really, really did.

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