An angry man told me he was going to assault me with a crucifix. I wasn't worried - it was an idol threat. 19/5/2013 - 12:59pm
Dawn Porter is concerned about you. More specifically, she is concerned about your anus. In Dawn Porter's mind, your anus is a gaping, shit-encrusted chasm of filth, bubbling away like a diarrhetic volcano and violently erupting with every spasm of your pathetic sphincter. And the less said about your pants, the better.
But don't worry. You're not the only one. In the warped mind of professional Facebook user Dawn, the entire country is afflicted with a severe case of bum wiping complacency which is gradually turning our undergarments into sodden, poo-soaked remnants of their former selves. But hope is not lost. Fortunately, in a spurt of marketing serendipity which would make Don Draper weep, an advertising firm approached Dawn at the apex of her mental breakdown and presented her with the cure for our collective bout of ineffectual arse scrubbing: wet wipes.
And so, Dawn has spent the last few weeks conducting a televised campaign to help steer our great nation through the turd-infested waters we have carelessly drifted into. In case you haven't seen the adverts, the format is roughly thus: Dawn roams the streets like a hectoring madwoman, cameras tracking her from afar (presumably they were instructed to keep their distance to avoid spooking her). She cheerfully interrogates horrified members of the public on their wiping techniques, chiding the ignorant, primordial dry wipers, and cooing with unnerving enthusiasm at those who reluctantly agree to emerge from the chrysalis and embrace wet wiping as the pathway to a higher form of existence.
In later 'episodes', Dawn appears to have formed a cult of like-minded individuals who meet in bathrooms to discuss their shitting habits (I believe the journalistic term for this is 'vox poopuli'*). It's all good, wholesome fun. Dawn swans effusively around the converted, part L Ron Hubbard, part coprophile manic pixie dream girl, and all about the wet wipes. She's overjoyed. Her campaign against rancid bumholes is a fantastic success. Good for you, Dawn. Good for you.
Of all the assertions Dawn made during her campaign, one struck me as particularly vexatious. According to her, we need to get over "this weird shame we have about talking about keeping our bums clean". True, there is a collective reticence over talking about poo - just look at all the euphemisms we've invented for it ("number twos", "whoopsie-plops", "Danny Dyer's acting ability"). But maybe the real problem is not that we don't like to talk about bog usage so much as we don't like to talk to crazy women on the street trying to flog us some unnecessary rubbish dreamt up by the Kimberly-Clark bullshit department.
There is someone else on TV at the moment who is concerned about your poo. His name is Dr Terry Bowley, and he's a GP (or an actor pretending to be a GP) appearing on a bowel cancer awareness ad for the NHS. "Blood in your poo? Going more often with looser poo?" Grim stuff, unless you're a child or infantile blog writer. Juxtaposed with Dawn's outrageous antics, it's positively sobering. But that's the point. Bowel cancer is, I imagine, not a good thing to have - just one of many similarities it shares with a McDonald's quarter pounder (another being its adverse effect on your digestive system). If we're getting in the mood to dispel any "weird shame" we have about crapping, we should probably focus our efforts on this sort of thing.
Dr Terry is not the only doctor or person pretending to be a doctor who wants to hear about your recent deposits in the poo bank. Not-Doctor Gillian McKeith was famous for her invasive gastro-intestinal examinations and ridiculous pseudoscientific blabbering. She's old news now, her career seemingly petering out like a soppy wet fart with an appearance on I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! after being largely discredited by anyone who stopped to actually listen to the drivel she was spouting. Still, we should remember Gillian as a woman who managed to bring the frank discussion of crap, both literally and figuratively, onto prime time television. I doubt the wet wipes campaign would have been greenlit before Gillian set such a precedent. Dawn, you merely stand on the shoulders of giants.
Dawn Porter may not be the only person who wants to have a full and frank discussion about the vicious chaffing you incur when you shove dry toilet tissue up your arsecrack to wipe away the residue of the ungodly filth you just sprayed around your toilet bowl. But she, like her compatriot Gillian, wants to have the discussion for the wrong reasons. It's fine if you want to talk about shit - just make sure you're not talking shit while you do it.
© The Natflap 2005 - 2013.