Idiot (source: BBC News Website)

Kevin the publican loves his new pool. That's nice, Kevin, now get on with your job and serve your bloody customers.

A couple of years ago now I ranted on the subject of the beach, or, more specifically, how I hate the beach. It is a rant which I believe time has been kind to: everyone believes me to be an idiot for hating the beach, yet I can stand by all my points and I still think it presents a valid argument. Therefore, in the interests of remaining totally predictable, and to prevent the mental strain of coming up with an original idea, I am now prepared to debunk not one facet of summertime, but the whole bloody thing. From May through September, as the sun shines and children dance, I sit aloft in my room, hating it all. Brace yourself as I confront you with my hyperbolic, nonconformist views, and be sure to prepare loads of low-level insults ("gay", "fag", "nob" etc) to post when you're finished reading.

When asked if they prefer the weather hot or cold, most people in Britain will say "hot". Of course I believe this to be a stupid attitude, and that's not simply because I don't like hot weather. Think about it this way. No matter how cold it gets, within reason, it is always possible to make yourself warmer. In your house you can crank up the central heating or have mummy rustle you up a snug hot water bottle as you lie comfortably under your Thermatech blanket. Outside you can pile on layer upon layer of fleeces and sweaters. But when summer comes a knockin', we as human beings have substantially fewer ways of regulating our temperatures.

Some idiots may suggest going to the beach or stripping off their clothes (and dignities) and lounging around in the "breeze". Such people have not lived a second of their lives in the real world. In the real world you don't spend your whole summer bumming around doing sod all. You still have to go to work. You still have to go shopping. You still have things to do. It's impossible to keep cool for the entirety of a summer. Air conditioning may offer some respite indoors, where it's cooler anyway. Ever tried wondering around London in July when it's approaching forty degrees and all the smog is creating a gigantic greenhouse of pollution? Fighting your way onto an overcrowded train where everyone is sweating like pigs, all the while wearing a shirt and trousers? Ever had the same experience in winter? No, you haven't. Summer in any crowded area, not just London, is a nightmare. There's no way to keep cool.

So that's why colder climes are preferable to warmer ones. But summer also brings with it a plethora of other problems which people just brush off in an arrogant quest to have "fun". I'll start off with a simple one. Wasps. Wasps are on a sworn mission to piss off as many humans as possible, and they're succeeding. Wasps have the power to administer a pretty nasty sting, but it's not so much the sting itself as the omnipresent threat of one which is the problem. A wasp within a twenty meter radius can trigger a proximity alarm in the most rational of people, causing them to enter a sort of sociopathic trance where the main objective of their life becomes eliminating the danger of the wasp above all other things. They start automatically analysing their environment for anti-wasp weapons, selecting the best one based on its range, weight and position, then immediately strike the wasp with surprising force and the speed of a motor neuron reaction, usually causing substantial collateral damage in the process. More often than not, the wasp will escape, buzzing away in a fit of wasp euphoria, his nefarious mission accomplished. The common reaction from the now-subdued wasp hunter usually amounts to nothing more than an angry fist shaking, accompanied by the words, "you win this time, you stripy bastard!"

You don't get many wasps in winter. Maybe that's because they have nothing to eat, or at least nothing to eat which would piss people off. That leads me rather neatly on to ice creams, a stupid dessert for a stupid season. Ice creams are a great idea: a food to cool you down in warm weather which also happens to melt in the heat. Well done Walls. It's analogous to selling footballs which explode on contact with grass. This 'ice cream paradox' essentially turns every ice cream into a ticking time bomb of sticky runoff as soon as it is removed from the refrigerator, thereby making the eating process nothing more than a race against the melting mess. And what about the disgustingly rancid wafers some ice creams are encased in? I suppose the logic is that they do away with the whole kafuffle of wrappers, but they look and taste almost exactly like corrugated cardboard so you're essentially eating the packaging anyway. I wouldn't feed that stuff to ducks.

Next on the list is the dreaded summer attire. Shorts, sandals, sunglasses, sunhats, and swimming trunks are all items of apparel I either hate wearing or am physically incapable of wearing. Sunglasses, for instance, are strictly off limits to the bespectacled population, eliminating our chances of ever looking cool or 'hip' and simultaneously causing us to be blinded by the sun whilst others casually stare at it in wonder. Shorts, meanwhile, reveal my Chewbacca-like fat, hairy legs to the world. Sandals are just rubbish. Only old men wear sandals. With their socks on. Sunhats do not work as advertised and get all manky and moist, and swimming trunks have that damn netting which frankly does weird stuff to my balls. And of course, if you choose not to don these irritating clothes, you might as well buy a one-way ticket to Sweat Central (or at least Nonconformity Parkway, which is a stupid place to be).

Speaking of the sun, the entity almost entirely responsible for summer, he is also the world's top cause of disease, pestilence and famine. I'm pretty sure the planet would be better off without the sun: he is the reason behind global warming, skin cancer, and makes dogs left in hot cars asphyxiate and die. Whilst only the unfortunate will experience skin cancer, most people get burned once in a while, especially those such as yours truly whose skin happens to be whiter than paper. Being sunburnt looks and feels like you have a million invisible ants chewing away at your skin and can only be totally avoided by wearing a full-body burqa (the Taliban weren't really oppressing women, they were just helping them remain unburnt). The half-hearted solution to sunburn is to wear suncream, which is sticky, disgusting and horrible to apply: you may as well be smearing elephant ejaculate all over your face. Not to mention that you will invariably miss a vital area during the application and end up getting burnt anyway.

And then there's the tourists. Busloads of middle-aged idiots, wearing cargo shorts with large old-fashioned cameras dangling around their flabby necks, descend on our tranquil neighbourhood during the summer months with the sole intention of causing as much traffic congestion as possible. They like to visit 'local landmarks' such as the church or the rubbish Roman hill fort. Of course, they ensure all the landmarks they choose are the ones which lie on busy single lane roads. Dorset has no motorways so it's quite easy for a group determined tourists to block up our dual carriageways with a cartel of caravans and slow-moving people carriers. Tourists are also very good at filling up carparks, so us everyday folk have to park further away just so the lazy tourists don't tire themselves out by walking anywhere. If tourists really want to see the area and take in the culture, why do they park right in the town centre and thereby miss seeing half the town? The truth is, tourists don't want to do anything, apart from annoy the locals.

Summer rape rates

This bar chart clearly offers conclusive proof for my argument.

I've covered several of the aspects of summer most people would consider nitpicky or minor, but there is one final summertime problem which is not so trivial, and that problem is rape. Don't be so incredulous. I don't have any real 'empirical evidence' to back it up, but there's plenty of anecdotal stuff, which is just as good. Incidents of rape and violent crime increase during the summer because people drink more alcohol, wear skimpier garments, leave windows and doors open, and are more agitated due to the heat. Just let that sink in for a second: summer causes rape. So the next time you're laying on a beach or kicking it back in your garden on a nice warm evening, just remember: somewhere, some poor woman is getting raped. All so you can enjoy your cool Pimms and wear your stupid sunglasses. Summer is evil, destructive and needs to be stopped at all costs.

Permalink || Posted 7/8/2006 by Pete


  1. tim - 7/8/2006 - 4:49pm

    ever since i bought my fan my summer has been to all intents and purposes an icy and refreshing winter anyway

  2. Noodle - 13/8/2006 - 12:10pm

    This blog episode is strikingly, plagiaristically similar to a rant I wrote about summer some months ago. I expect your resignation letter on my desk tomorrow morning.

  3. The Daily Mail - 22/8/2006 - 2:08pm


  4. Alex - 24/8/2006 - 9:52pm

    It being Winter didnt stop you raping me, Pete.

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