Money. It's simple enough, paper and coins used to purchase goods and services. I don't even mind earning it. But there is a problem, and that is the type of work I do. I work in retail...perhaps the single worst segment of the public, definitely the worst. Well, that's the introduction dealt with. Now the pleasures of retail. I'm 100% sure every person reading this, who works in retail, can sympathise at some level with my personal hell.

"Why, it seems simple and easy enough?" I hear you ask. To be honest I guess it is simple. People give me goods, I scan them in the till and tell them the total. They respond by giving either cash or a card, which I place in the till or scan...SIMPLE. But "easy?"...FUCK, NO. This isn't because retail is challenging on the brain or requires any real skills. They've trained chimps to use tills in some god-forsaken, President Bush target of a third world shit hole. CHIMPS for fuck's sake and they give the right change. The reason for the difficulty of the job is the tosser's I'm forced to deal with every Saturday...the customers. Whoever originally said that "the customer is always right" should be fucking hung, drawn and quartered. Actually, why not throw in some sort of ass-raping as well...the twat deserves it.

The main problem is quite simple...old people. Like flaccid homosexual men, they're wrinkly pains in the arse. Why is it once you reach retirement age you aren't able to distinguish between coins? Or have the urge to pay for things in fucking 1p's and 2p's? It drives me fucking mad. The hours I've spent counting coppers is ridiculous and simply a waste of my precious time. Other things I've noticed is that old people tend to tell you the note they're giving you as they do. Why is this? I guess its because they see a young person on a till and either assume: they are stupid and can't distinguish between notes, or that the young person is going to short-change them. Twats. I actually try and short-change the losers who do that.

Okay. That's enough on old people. A lot of them are polite and simple enough to serve. The next set of people I hate are the "Posh Middle-Aged Dickheads", mostly women. These are the people who push into queues in front of younger people because they assume that's all right. They park on double-yellow lines to run in buy their paper plates and plastic cutlery for their "bunch of tossers" barbecue. They pay for everything on a card (even as little as 49p) even though their purses are full of cash. They ignore you...not even a "thanks" when you hand them their receipt. I hate the tossers.

Next...the "Idiots". The ones who come up to the till and ask you how much a particular item is. Like I'm going to know the price of every single fucking thing in the shop. Then...and this is funny. They're seriously put out when you inform them you don't know and that you need to scan it in to the till to tell them. They ask stupid questions on products and expect you to a) know and b) give a shit. One example is the prick who brought a cheese-grater to the till and asked if it had a one-year guarantee. Or the woman who asked me if we had a particular micro-wave in a "light-mauve". But my favourite trait of the "Idiots" is their inability to work in centimetres and meters. I've been asked so many times what size a certain product is in inches. I don't know or care. Yet they insist I go and get a tape measure and give them the correct measurements. Fucking twats.

Well, that's my rant over with. I hope you all can sympathise with the shit I have to put up with every weekend to earn 4.07 an hour. Over and out...

Permalink || Posted 5/5/2005 by StinkyFishEggs


  1. tim - 7/5/2005 - 12:08am

    maybe if you stopped robbing the store of money by stealing ps2 games they'd be able to attract a higher pedigree of customer

    you thieving cunt

  2. StinkyFishEggs - 9/5/2005 - 4:34pm

    i have never stolen anything in my life

  3. C - 9/5/2005 - 9:23pm

    (Except for someone's virginity, but intangible things do not count)

    Anyway, it's Sainsbury's fault for being such a shit company to work for!

  4. tim - 10/5/2005 - 6:41pm

    you're a liar matt m***is

  5. daver - 12/5/2005 - 4:07pm

    i remember people coming up to me asking how much something was in spar. everytime, i just had to look for the price tag on the shelf to tell them.

    mediocre rant, more of an extension to 'customers' than anything original - 5/10

  6. StinkyFishEggs - 12/5/2005 - 6:00pm

    I never read 'customers' rant, so i'm unaware to its content. I apolegise to people who think it is an extension

  7. Noodle - 13/5/2005 - 5:51pm

    You should know the price of every single thing in any shop ever, you deadleg.

  8. Rob Gregory - 13/5/2005 - 6:32pm

    excellent rant, every word is perfectly placed to deliver maximum comedic impact. kudos


  9. Hollie's mum - 20/5/2005 - 3:13pm

    I think you need to lighten up a bit. It's through experience of being given the wrong change, that is why people voice what note they give you. Once the money is in the till it's your word against theirs. I advise all of you to adopt this trait.

  10. crumpo - 8/6/2005 - 12:55pm

    ah, gregory. Getting the thumbs-up from him is like a stamp of failure right there!

    i work in retail, and i get twats in. I dont care about them wasting my time because I GET PAID FOR IT. essentially theyre just wasting the company's time.
    and i abuse them vocally afterwards.

  11. Stephen Reynolds - 21/6/2005 - 5:39pm

    remember...the customer is always right, but the governer is always the governor

  12. Charlie - 21/7/2005 - 4:36pm

    I love everything to do with retail. Spar is great.

  13. tim - 10/9/2005 - 9:33pm

    this rant has only got better with time

    a true classic

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