Incy Wincy Spider

House spider. Source:

Eight legs. One goal… killing you.

I'm not an arachnophobe, but to paraphrase Alan Partridge, I'm more of an arcachnoskeptic. I do not like spiders, but I don't wet myself on seeing one or break down into fits of convulsions. I'm quite comfortable with the long-legged ones which resemble crane flies. I don't have much of a problem with them, but they're still not welcome in my home. The big ones with thick bodies and hairy legs are the worst. Not only do they look incredibly freaky, but I have many reservations about squashing them for fear of the sickening spider-goo which splays out in all directions as you crush their torsos. Not pretty.

With that said, I've started formulating a rather interesting (if not far-fetched) hypothesis regarding spiders. Like an anti-Semite who has read one too many 9/11 conspiracy websites, I have convinced myself that spiders are out to get me, and probably all of us. It's not as if they're ill-equipped for this mission. Spiders are essentially nature's ninjas, armed with an entire arsenal of annoying attributes, including their webs, moose-like speed, bodily flexibility and minute size. I became convinced of the arachnid conspiracy last night, when I shook my towel after my shower and exposed yet another spider who had been hidden in the folds, lying in wait for me.

Shaking my towel has become a force of habit ever since a spider, hidden inside it one time, crawled out as I was drying myself, violating my naked body and scaring the living shit out of me. It was no ordinary spider, either; its bulging body the size of a two pound coin and its digusting thick legs covered in hairs. Startled, it ran off into the corner of the bathroom, unwittingly trapping itself behind the wicker basket. Grabbing a nearby shampoo bottle, I lathered it in L'Oreal, treating it to a slow and sticky death as its innards osmosed out into the detergent. Revenge was sweet, but short-lived, for I have seemingly incurred the wrath of spiders the world over, and now live in constant fear that that frightful incident will be repeated.

That's not the only time a spider has sought me out and tried to attack me in cold blood. One time I was sat on the computer and saw a spider rappelling down on its little web right in front of me. As it was only small and seemed perfectly harmless, I grabbed its web with the philanthropic intention of throwing it out the window, but watched dumbstruck in horror as it started ascending towards my hand. In my panic I grabbed a magazine, hurriedly rolled it up and struck the spider with all my might. It flew so fast I could not see it in the air and a cursory search for its corpse revealed nothing. Assuming I had simply knocked the spider out of space and time, I went back to my computery business. A few minutes later, I felt a strange sensation down below. Something was crawling up my bare leg! (I was wearing shorts, I wasn't sat naked at the computer). Surely it wasn't the spider I had so gracelessly disposed of mere minutes ago? Well, as you undoubtedly predicted, it was. The spider had not only demonstrated an ability to cheat death, it had also shown it was quite capable of premeditated vengeance. There is no doubt in my mind that spiders are highly intelligent and malicious, and would gladly kill us all given the chance.

You may think I'm mad. But I've seen Arachnophobia. I know what these bastards are capable of. I've seen them, stalking me like cheetahs stalk their prey. They crawl along the ceiling, staking me out, waiting for their time to strike. I'm beginning to get suspicious of innocuous shadows cast on walls and I'll probably have full blown arachnophobia later in life unless the spiders stop harassing me. Perhaps they're doing it because I've killed so many of their own. But really all I'm doing when I kill a spider is making a pre-emptive strike, because if I don't get them, they'll sure as hell get me.

Besides, killing a spider is harder than most people expect. If your preferred method of assassination is a hearty crushing, you need to hit them hard and fast. If you miss the spider on the first time, forget about getting him again, because even the simplest of spiders has multiple dimensions by which he can escape. Spiders have rigid exoskeletons which serve as the perfect defence against a lacklustre newspaper whack, not to mention their supernatural Spider Sense which makes sneaking up on them incredibly tricky. If you have to crush a spider, make sure you do it with a metallic object and don't stop pummelling the corpse until you've either separated its body from its legs or mashed it wholly into the carpet. And if you can't find the corpse, well, as I've previously demonstrated, you're fucked.

More illustrious methods of spider termination include the shampoo method – messy but effective, and perfect for killing those big-ass bath spiders you'll occasionally encounter in the bathtub. The shampoo attack is basically the spider hunting equivalent of a well-placed napalm strike. There is also the hoover method, which is largely pro-active and basically involves going round the house and sucking the spiders away into dual-cyclone doom. Of course it's largely ineffective in a shock encounter scenario, unless you carry your hoover around the house with you. But if you do the job thoroughly that shouldn't be a worry. Also, ensure you empty the hoover bag or whatever a Dyson has in place of a bag (the mighty Dyson Vortex) into the bin OUTSIDE when you're done with your 'ethnic cleansing'. I'd bet any money that spiders can survive in a hoover bag for days, and will probably crawl back out when you least expect it.

At the end of the day though, it's all futile. Spiders have been around for 400 million years and will probably persist long after humanity comes crashing down, their super-strong webs shielding them from the thermonuclear blasts which engulf everything else. I guess spiders probably deserve their status as evolutionary mainstays, what with their ruthless cunning and willingness to kill their enemies at any cost. My advice to everyone is to kill all spiders on sight. No mucking around trying to pick them up and throw them outside. You may well incur the wrath of every 'eight-legged freak' on Earth, but it's worth the risk. Check your towels after you shower, hoover thoroughly, and shoot to kill.

Permalink || Posted 9/6/2006 by Pete


  1. riach - 9/6/2006 - 5:50pm

    right on. the BASTARDS

  2. saraaaaaah - 9/6/2006 - 6:38pm


    i cant bear to trap them with the old card and glass trick, and safely release them, cos i know the little cunts can penetrate the glass and attack my hand. in the event of which ill PANIC, flail around madly, and probably flick it onto my bed where it can lie in wait for me to doze off into unsuspecting slumber

    im onto them too pete. oh yes i am.


  3. Mr. Vegetarian - 9/6/2006 - 7:17pm

    Spiders have souls too, Pete.

  4. Sammy L, Jackson - 9/6/2006 - 8:18pm

    yeah, i hate them too. almost as much as i hate motherfuckin snakes. ever since one invaded my bath as a small defenseless child. they're sick, ruthless and cold-blooded psychopaths.

  5. Sammy L, Jackson - 9/6/2006 - 8:22pm

    yeah, i hate them too. almost as much as i hate motherfuckin snakes. ever since one invaded my bath as a small defenseless child. they're sick, ruthless and cold-blooded psychopaths.

  6. sheen - 9/6/2006 - 11:30pm

    At least youre not a pigeon magnet.
    i swear they alway end up nearly flying into me over right above me and the scare me *cries*
    ever since that pigeon in london flew into my left boob and then bounced back and flew the opposite direction....pigoens scare me and come after me.
    i think the pigoen that did that to me told his family and then they all gosiped about it so now the whole english population of pigeons know!!
    arghhhh. noone can save me.
    bastard pigeons. i should kill them all.

  7. Mrs Bigley - 10/6/2006 - 3:29pm

    This is just poor Pete!! How can you forget about my lovely Ken! What with Paul and the other brother giving interviews the other day! WHAT ABOUT KEN PETE?!?!

  8. Paul J - 10/6/2006 - 10:34pm

    You can use l'oreal to kill spiders, sure. But is it worth it?

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