me and my hair

So what?

Permit me, if you will, a smidgen of self-indulgence - this is my website after all. Today's rant, children, is about my hair. Yes, yes, I know, wipe that awestruck look from your face, it doesn't befit you, and come with me on my journey of anger, torment, and stupid cunts telling me what to do.

"Stupid cunts" may seem like a harsh generalisation since almost everyone, from my boss to my own mother, has made a snide remark about my bouffant masterpiece over the past 6 months. It almost saddens me to say it, but if you're reading this rant you've probably told me that I either need to get a hair cut, I look gay, or I look stupid (either that, or you arrived here from an MSN search for shampoo fetish; if so I'm not sure you're welcome here, and I certainly prefer the former type of visitor).

My grievance with this all is simple: who really gives a shit about my hair? Why must I be given unwanted advice on trimming, combing, styling, sheering, gelling, highlighting, braiding, plaiting, split ends, root nutrition, and God knows what else? I cannot escape it. It will be my epitaph. "Peter F N, 1987-2062, crap hair".

I don't flatter myself to say that my hair forms one of the most frequent topics where I work. I know the thought process of my colleagues: "oh, I know something dastardly original and witty I can say that will guarantee hilarity!" And then out it comes... "get a hair cut!". I can almost hear the "lol". Or how about, "hmmm, shame I've run out of interesting things to say, not to worry, I can always take a cheap swipe at Pete's hair". Every remark, despite the intentions of its creator, only works to strengthen my resolve. YOU WILL NEVER WIN. If I do eventually get my hair cut, these conspirators may well pat themselves on the back for a job well done, but their self-congratulation will be misplaced. For it is me who decides what I do, and no one else. Any apparent yielding on my part will be pure coincidence.

Still, to their credit, this does little to deter my detractors. Tactics turn dirty. My manager pointed to the dress code, which states that hair must be "neat and tidy" (which is subjective anyway). Not wanting to be outdone, I pointed to the paragraph which read that exemptions will be made for those with religious beliefs. He sneered. I sneered back, but not before inventing a religion and making a website about it. I wonder if the customers like the kind, equitable and friendly service they receive from me (oh it's true), or if they'd prefer me to be a stroppy bastard with neat hair. A recent occurrence that pissed me off was being told I had to put my hair "up", because a (resentful) colleague (resentful about my hair) had been told to do the same. Never mind the fact that her hair is at least 2 inches longer, doesn't look stupid when it's up, or that she's a GIRL, no, let's enforce a short-sighted one-size-fits-all-policy because the customer services manager thinks it would be funny to see my hair in a bun. I actually triumphed in this little ruckus, after making said customer services manager see sense, to much displeasure from my opponent. "You and your fucking hair". Hahahaha. The sweet taste of victory.

The thing that is still utterly beyond me is this: why does everyone care? Why does the vast majority singularly fail to accept that I am happy with my hair as it is? Moreover, why do they think that they are going to change my mind with a string of stupid primary school quips? A resilience to peer pressure is, in my opinion, a positive character trait, and one which I believe I possess. "Pete, if you don't get a haircut you won't get 'laid'". "Pete, you look like a gay, I bet you're gay, you gay". "Pete, your hair is long, and typically boy's hair is short, you are hence atypical and therefore weird." Water - off - a - duck's - back. You are wasting your breath.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the few, the brave, the proud, who either compliment my hair or refrain from judgement. You know who you are, and rest assured that these words (or lack thereof), offer a solace that enables me to live my daily life without cracking under the immense emotional strain that accompanies hair like mine. You truly are God's people.

Permalink || Posted 17/7/2005 by Pete


  1. tim - 18/7/2005 - 12:38pm

    cool your jets, pete, i've ALWAYS loved your hair

  2. The Natflap - 18/7/2005 - 1:26pm

    I appreciate that, Tim, and had your good self in mind when I wrote the final paragraph.

  3. Alex - 18/7/2005 - 4:47pm

    Dont let the hassle from The Man get you down.

    Very good rant, though I was hoping for more shampoo fetish.

  4. dave - 18/7/2005 - 6:09pm

    mocking is for the ignorant and the afraid

  5. Dan - 19/7/2005 - 11:07am

    I'm starting a new campaign, DON'T CUT THE HAIR!!

  6. Pete Nattress* - 19/7/2005 - 4:28pm

    I am smelly

  7. The Natflap - 19/7/2005 - 6:36pm

    Beat this new star, you smartass twat! AHAHAHA

  8. kyle - 19/7/2005 - 10:18pm

    slightly more concerned about the fact you think you're only going to live until you're 75...will your hair perhaps play a vital part in your early death?

  9. Pete Nattress* - 20/7/2005 - 11:26am

    I'm gay.

  10. Phizzy - 23/7/2005 - 12:25pm

    Really? I am sorry for the torment you will face from the dildos of Rome.

    Your hair is like that dude with the thing, I like it. :P

    Phizzy wishes to join the church of hairism!

    Sensemaking is fun.

  11. stinkyfisheggs - 4/8/2005 - 5:54pm

    Pete, ur hair is like god. Never get it cut...fuck anyone hard in the arse who tells you otherwise

  12. Phizzy - 6/8/2005 - 2:21pm

    I thought he did that anyway? :-\

  13. Starfish - 30/8/2005 - 1:58pm

    I liked your hair before it was cool to say it. You self-obsessed sheep have got nothin' on me! NOTHIN'!

  14. Noodle - 7/11/2005 - 8:56pm

    Ich habe mein komment gedeletzt. Warum? Wo? Was? Watter?

  15. Jonno - 10/3/2006 - 7:25pm

    Your hair is fucking gay, you look like a really gay poodle that sucks off other gay poodles!!

  16. The Poof of Ponsonby Common - 12/3/2006 - 2:12am

    Pete, about last night, i lost the number that you gave me for the health clinic.

  17. Tim - 20/4/2006 - 7:51pm

    I think you need to sort it out

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