Dealing with bar staff
What the fuck is this?
Most people go out for a drink once in a while. Let's face it, drinking is fun, and were it not for alcohol we would all be resigned to the endless monotony of the real world, looking on helplessly as our lives ebb slowly away into a void of emptiness. Drinking takes the pain away and makes everything seem alright, at least, it should. However, when you visit your nearby pub or bar, your passage to the salvation of alcohol is blocked by one daunting, moronic obstacle: the bar staff. Either I'm incredibly unlucky when it comes to getting served, or all bar staff on the face of the planet are inexorably useless. In the past, I've been (indirectly) accused of lying to an angry fat Irishman for "giving the wrong table number", I've been served a Carling and black instead of a cider and black (which doesn't taste as nice as you might think), and I've been told I was underage because the girl didn't know what year it was. This is the sort of stupidity we all have to deal with, so I've listed a few pointers for getting better service next time you want to wet your whistle.
- Act visibly annoyed whenever a member of the bar staff walks past you.
This one's guaranteed to get you served quicker, because they don't like miserable bastards staring at them constantly. Alternate your technique by continually glancing at your watch, rolling your eyes, and making agitated body movement in their direction.
- When asked "are you being served?", issue a scathing retort.
For example: "chance would be a fine thing!" or "Oh, you're actually serving, are you?" Let your anger steer you. You'll get served faster.
- Gesticulate when ordering.
I'd love to live in a fairytale world where a barman can count to a number higher than one, but unfortunately I don't, and neither do you. If you're ordering two drinks of the same type, make it known with a finger gesture. You can even rotate your hand so that it's in the "swearing" position. Two birds, one stone.
- Lean over the bar.
The reason there is a rail at the bottom of some bars is to prevent you from leaning over it and "intimidating" the staff. My question is this: how dare they try and dictate where I can and cannot lean? I'll lean where I damn well please. If you lean over the bar you get noticed and served faster, and hopefully scare the shit out of them in the process.
- Nitpick relentlessly.
Bars and pubs charge you far more for alcohol than you'd have to pay if you bought it from a supermarket. For that extra money you're paying, you should expect the very best. There's a legal limit on the amount of head they're allowed to leave on beer: if this is exceeded, you shouldn't just make a song and dance, you should make a full-blown opera. Idly threaten legal action if you're still not satisfied.
- Watch them very carefully as they get your drinks.
You really do need eyes like a hawk when you're ordering at a bar. It's not enough just to dispense your order upon the hapless staff and rely on them to get what you asked for. Watch exactly what they do. Check they're pulling from the right tap, into the right size glass, or picking the right spirits and adding the right mixers. If you're not sure they're doing it properly, shout, "Oi, you, I asked for a [name of drink]!" It doesn't matter if you're mistaken; it's not worth the inconvenience if you aren't.
- If more than 2 people queue jump you, wildly wave your arms in mock despair.
People queue jump, it's a fact of life, but the bar staff should be able to remember who was there first. It's their job. So if it happens to you, make it known. Wave your arms, grunt indignantly, stomp like a rutting elephant. England is the land of good manners: a reputation to be upheld at all costs. Note that it's bar etiquette that people who are more attractive or intimidating than you should be served first, so ignore these in your count.
- This is a bar, not a brothel.
Bar staff should be serving you, not flirting amongst themselves or mucking about. They're not getting paid to have fun. If you witness any morally dubious behaviour, report it to the manager.
- Count your change.
And what's more, make a point of counting it. Stand there and flick the coins across your palm. If you're still doubtful, ask for a printed receipt. Don't let them screw you.
- Ask for "the usual", even if you've never been in before.
This is a fun one which puts them off because they'll feel guilty for not recognising you. When they ask you to clarify what it is, act really upset and storm off. Then when you go back in a few minutes, asking for a drink and acting all hurt, you'll get served faster.
- If served by an ugly girl, say, "not you, I want the fit one".
Although this doesn't help you, it undermines her self esteem and, let's face it, it's practically statute that only attractive girls can be barmaids. Dealing a sufficient emotional blow will probably send her spiralling into breakdown, quitting her job and opening up her position to be filled by a more attractive alternative. You're doing everyone a favour.
Permalink || Posted 9/3/2006 by Pete
daveyman - 9/3/2006 - 5:10pm
I like the way you list these as comedy actions when I'd say you practise at least half of them.
Evilwheato - 9/3/2006 - 10:45pm
Some of them are so true, I like them!
Dan - 10/3/2006 - 8:09am
I like daveyman's point, the reason you can make these points is because you know them too well!
It's more of a public service that you do for us readers isn't it. Not just comedy
daveyman - 10/3/2006 - 1:00pm
That's the genius of Pete.
The Natflap; It's not just comedy
kyle - 10/3/2006 - 2:51pm
i tried the bullet point stating "not you, i want the fit one" and i received a slap...thanks!
daveyman - 12/3/2006 - 6:31pm
A barmaid wouldn't serve me so I shoved my cock in her mouth and served her a pint of cum.
fuzzbear - 13/3/2006 - 8:48pm
Pete, are all the different comments on here just different aliases you have made up yourself?
dave - 14/3/2006 - 8:33pm
no, twat
Dick - 29/3/2006 - 6:50pm
If I'm rude to waiters, my food will have a side serving of spit.
sarah fucking taylor - 2/4/2006 - 1:41am
i fucking love you and all you stand for
PEDRO
Face - 19/5/2006 - 2:27pm
Just pour your own pint. Sorted.UNLESS you want a bottle....fuck.
Dan - 15/11/2010 - 8:10pm
Get a fukin life man - bar work is one of the most lowest paid jobs, anti-social hours and entails dealing with miserable, sad bastards like yourself - i had a bar job whilst studying and was offered bar manager position after 3 months (see, not all bar staff are stupid) and the thing that pissed me off most was the annoying dick head who couldnt wait more than two minutes to be served before wailing like a bitch-pig and tryna shove a £20 note under my nose - my advice to you is..... "dont go to bar, buy your booze from the supermarket, go home so we dont have to serve pin-dicked, vindictive assholes like yourself"
Kind regards,
Dan
(Nightclub owner of The Litten Tree - visit me for a beer.... i dare you - dick head)
Matt - 14/12/2010 - 11:59pm
Where I work, the clientele, although paying for a service should still respect the staff, and most do. For the loud dickheads like youself, don't be surprised when fellow customers shuffle down the bar away from you and the staff go out the way to serve others first. waving your arms...no.
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