Dealing with bar staff

Beer with head (from

What the fuck is this?

Most people go out for a drink once in a while. Let's face it, drinking is fun, and were it not for alcohol we would all be resigned to the endless monotony of the real world, looking on helplessly as our lives ebb slowly away into a void of emptiness. Drinking takes the pain away and makes everything seem alright, at least, it should. However, when you visit your nearby pub or bar, your passage to the salvation of alcohol is blocked by one daunting, moronic obstacle: the bar staff. Either I'm incredibly unlucky when it comes to getting served, or all bar staff on the face of the planet are inexorably useless. In the past, I've been (indirectly) accused of lying to an angry fat Irishman for "giving the wrong table number", I've been served a Carling and black instead of a cider and black (which doesn't taste as nice as you might think), and I've been told I was underage because the girl didn't know what year it was. This is the sort of stupidity we all have to deal with, so I've listed a few pointers for getting better service next time you want to wet your whistle.

Permalink || Posted 9/3/2006 by Pete


  1. daveyman - 9/3/2006 - 5:10pm

    I like the way you list these as comedy actions when I'd say you practise at least half of them.

  2. Evilwheato - 9/3/2006 - 10:45pm

    Some of them are so true, I like them!

  3. Dan - 10/3/2006 - 8:09am

    I like daveyman's point, the reason you can make these points is because you know them too well!

    It's more of a public service that you do for us readers isn't it. Not just comedy

  4. daveyman - 10/3/2006 - 1:00pm

    That's the genius of Pete.
    The Natflap; It's not just comedy

  5. kyle - 10/3/2006 - 2:51pm

    i tried the bullet point stating "not you, i want the fit one" and i received a slap...thanks!

  6. daveyman - 12/3/2006 - 6:31pm

    A barmaid wouldn't serve me so I shoved my cock in her mouth and served her a pint of cum.

  7. fuzzbear - 13/3/2006 - 8:48pm

    Pete, are all the different comments on here just different aliases you have made up yourself?

  8. dave - 14/3/2006 - 8:33pm

    no, twat

  9. Dick - 29/3/2006 - 5:50pm

    If I'm rude to waiters, my food will have a side serving of spit.

  10. sarah fucking taylor - 2/4/2006 - 12:41am

    i fucking love you and all you stand for


  11. Face - 19/5/2006 - 1:27pm

    Just pour your own pint. Sorted.UNLESS you want a bottle....fuck.

  12. Dan - 15/11/2010 - 8:10pm

    Get a fukin life man - bar work is one of the most lowest paid jobs, anti-social hours and entails dealing with miserable, sad bastards like yourself - i had a bar job whilst studying and was offered bar manager position after 3 months (see, not all bar staff are stupid) and the thing that pissed me off most was the annoying dick head who couldnt wait more than two minutes to be served before wailing like a bitch-pig and tryna shove a 20 note under my nose - my advice to you is..... "dont go to bar, buy your booze from the supermarket, go home so we dont have to serve pin-dicked, vindictive assholes like yourself"
    Kind regards,
    (Nightclub owner of The Litten Tree - visit me for a beer.... i dare you - dick head)

  13. Matt - 14/12/2010 - 11:59pm

    Where I work, the clientele, although paying for a service should still respect the staff, and most do. For the loud dickheads like youself, don't be surprised when fellow customers shuffle down the bar away from you and the staff go out the way to serve others first. waving your

  14. TheBarMan - 12/3/2014 - 1:15am

    You absolute bunch of wankers! This is exactly how not to get served in a pub, try working behind a bar and dealing with the jumped up, uneducated ass holes that think they have the right to treat bar staff like shit.

    Just remember one thing the next time you are in a pub, we are having the last laugh because no matter how much of an asshole you are, you are giving us money, paying our wages and we will slag you off and laugh at you the second you walk away from the bar. As you walk up to the bar to order your next drink, that's when we fuck off to clear glasses. go for a cigarette or go to the toilet and we will quite happily leave you waiting. And your next drink will be in a warm glass that flattens it instantly, but is cold when we pass it over and just watch how much ice we are going to put in your drink or how flat we can pour it!

    You are quite clearly the twat we all see coming in and do our level best to piss you off, goes both ways, only we have more practice and we're much better at it!

    What's that? Leaving your meal under the hot light until it's fucked...Yep! Non-Nucleated Glass so your pint goes flat... Yep! Coffee in a small cup because your a twat... Yep! Not clearing your table and leaving it full of shit, because your a cunt... Yep! Turning the sport off because you're acting like a knob... Yep! Cranking the heating up in summer just to piss you off... Yep! Turning the heating off in winter to piss you off... Yep! Whoops air conditioning time! Seating the noisy family next to you in the restaurant whilst you are trying to have a business meeting... Yep! Slagging you off to the regs and pointing you out to everyone... Yep! Texting or surprise phone call just as you come to the bar... Yep! Sorry to keep you waiting... Oops not really, did it deliberately! Slowing down and chatting shit to the customer we are currently serving just to keep you waiting... Yep! Sorry mate we have run out of that... Oops not really just can't be arsed to fetch it for you, cos your a twat! However the product has just been delivered for the next person... Yep! Ooh not got the sauce you want, we have really just not going to fetch for you... Yep! And the list goes on and on and on..... Good luck being a twat next time you go into a pub!

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