Tip: automatically upgrade a standard nutcase attack into a terrorist nutcase attack by shouting 'Allah' as you commit it. #woolwich 22/5/2013 - 10:14pm
I recently went on holiday to the glitzy glamhouse that is the Lake District. On the drive up I stopped at many obscure provincial towns and service stations, whereupon I encountered not one, not two, not four but THREE grade-A celebs. Here's a list with some handy details of my paparazzi-like pandemonium.
WHO I SAW: BBC Television presenter Chris Packham
WHERE I SAW THEM: Welcome Break service station on the M5
OTHER NOTES: Chris is my favourite presenter of the BBC's "Inside Out". He also used to present CBBC's "The Really Wild Show" but was fired after rumours of him taking too many liberties with a rare bread of beaver (Michaela Strachan's) boiled over. I saw him at Welcome Break attempting to photograph some sparrows nesting in a hedge. I decided it was best to leave him to his own devices, and not ruffle any feathers.
WHO I SAW: Ex-SAS soldier and celebrated author Andy McNab
WHERE I SAW THEM: Purchasing bread and milk in Keswick town centre
OTHER NOTES: Now you may be thinking, "how does Pete know he saw Andy McNab when there aren't any pictures of him to reference?". I don't appreciate the tone, but it's a fair point. When spotting celebrities one must use all of one's powers of deduction. The following evidence helped me reach my conclusion:
WHO I SAW: Musician and popstar Tom Feltcher from McFly
WHERE I SAW THEM: Dyrham Park National Trust property near Bath
OTHER NOTES: Not much more to say really. Tom exudes more rock 'n' roll in the flesh than he does on Top of the Pops. I asked him to autograph my copy of the McFly album, only then to realise that I had not only forgotten it, but didn't even own it, nor know what it was called. He was quite annoyed.
WHO I SAW: World famous actor Christopher Lee (aka Saruman from Star Wars)
WHERE I SAW THEM: As we reversed out of our driveway
OTHER NOTES: I was so taken aback at seeing someone as celebrity as Christopher Lee (Chris to his friends) that I thought nothing else on my holiday would be able to live up to such a great moment. I was right. The holiday was a total letdown, and I lay the blame solely on Christopher Lee. Fuck you, Cunt Dracula.
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