Celebrities who have recently screwed me over

When you mingle in the glitz and glamour of the celebrity world, as I often do, occassionally you will draw the short straw and end up worse for wears, fucked over by the very celebrities who rely on you for their fame and fortune. But my days of putting up with this shoddy treatment are well and truly over, so I have decided to henceforth document every single incident which disadvantages me, financially or sexually, at the hands of our most loved celebs.

1) Nicholas Witchell

WitchellPushed me aside to get closer to Prince William at a press event in Stockport. I was shouting, "Will! Will! I like your tie! You're so attractive in a regal manner!", when up comes Witchell, forcing me away with the brutish force of a stampeding rhino. No wonder Prince Charles hates his ginger hair. This, I suspect, was the beginning of the end for Witchell, fired from the BBC after trying to get a snapshot of Princess Margaret by bungeeing off of the Clifton suspension bridge.

2) Dick and Dom from 'da Bungalow'

Dick and DomThese two post-modernist clowns stole my seat on a train from Swansea to Bristol Temple Meads. Citing 'the three second rule' as sufficient justification for such pilfering, they proceeded to make farting noises and obscure gestures with their hands. I sneeringly informed them that they were both paedophiles, at which point they shut up and started talking about solicitors and libel laws. I was eventually forced to alight at Bridgend, but I won a moral victory.

3) Paula Radcliffe

RadcliffeBritain's most loved yet most useless athlete refused to donate any more faeces to me, even though I said it was for charity (admittedly this was a lie). I count this as being screwed over because she was willing to do it in public once, so why not again? Talk about double standards. I then placed a Voodoo charm on Paula, cursing her to never win a race again, although in retrospect such action has proved completely redundant.

As an interesting footnote, Nicholas Witchell is, in all actuality, my mate's godfather, and hasn't spoken to him in years. What a shit.

Permalink || Posted 21/10/2005 by Pete


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