Bird Flu Q&A

With Britain currently in the grip of a potential bird flu pandemic, many worried citizens are woefully under-informed about the scale of the crisis. We only have our braindead liberal media to blame for this abhorrent lack of information, so I have compiled a comprehensive question and answer session with the foremost experts in the field of avian influenza (that's bird flu to you simpletons). After you've read this, you may never want to sleep until all the birds are dead, which is not due to happen for several weeks.

How does bird flu affect me?

Dr Bob McBobsworth, MD: Bird flu is going to kill you. It might not be today. It might not even be next week. But you are going to get bird flu and you are going to die from it, that's a scientific fact.

What will my death be like?

Dr Bob McBobsworth, MD: There are several strains of bird flu. The most common, H5N1, causes you to sprout gigantic wings and thereafter fly repeatedly into windows until your brain haemorrhages and your unconscious body is mauled by cats. Other strains are rarer and involve deaths from six-pack rings, aeroplane propellers and oil spillages, all of which are too ghastly to describe in detail.

How does bird flu work?

Agent James Corgi, Flu Division: No-one knows for sure exactly how bird flu effects its host. But this no-nonsense diagram hopefully gets the point across:

Deadly Swan

How do I catch bird flu?

Agent James Corgi, Flu Division: There are many ways to catch the dreaded flu. Bird faeces are the most common carrier, so if you regularly play with bird shit, now might be a good time to stop. Also, under no circumstances should you amble around staring at the sky with your mouth wide open. Furthermore, infected birds have been known to attack if you look at them the wrong way or make stupid bird-puns such as "that bird sure flu away fast" within earshot.

Bird flu map

This map has concentric circles and threatening colours. Panic!

What's the government doing?

Jane Molane, Daily Mail Reader: Not enough!

Rick Rimshot, Defra: Defra are currently conducting routine investigations around Fife where the offending swan was found. A gigantic net with a radius of twenty miles has been erected with the hope of stopping all birds leaving the area and spreading the disease to the millions of people living just miles away. For the long term we have started to install anti-aircraft guns in London to shoot down any birds which come within range of the Queen. On the lighter side of things, in the coming weeks we'll be holding a lottery to see which lucky people get to be vaccinated against the virus! You can buy your tickets at all National Lottery kiosks.

I think my child may have bird flu, what should I do?

Dr Bob McBobsworth, MD: First, check your child exhibits at least two of the following symptoms: spotty complexion, missing teeth, stunted growth, brash loudness, incontinence, or a runny nose. If you're still convinced that your child has bird flu, unfortunately he or she will have to be put down. This is a painless process if done correctly though you may wish to seek expert advice on the Internet first.

Is my cat at risk?

Rick Rimshot, Defra: Cats are considered a top priority for culling as they eat infected birds and can pass the virus on to humans through affectionate licking. Keep your cat away from birds as much as possible whilst we despatch our cat assassination teams to your area.

Isn't the risk of getting bird flu laughably low?

Rick Rimshot, Defra: That's besides the point. This outbreak gives us an excuse to do what we always craved: get revenge on the birds. It's payback time, bitches.

Is this a conspiracy by the Chinese to infect us all?

Agent James Corgi, Flu Division: Whilst there is no evidence to support such a ludicrous suggestion, the answer is almost certainly yes. The Chinese are often renowned for their sheer cunning and I for one wouldn't put it past them to pull this kind of stunt.

Permalink || Posted 7/4/2006 by Pete


  1. dave the comedy critic - 7/4/2006 - 5:04pm

    very good

  2. Alex - 7/4/2006 - 5:23pm

    This unchecked immigration of birds into this country bring their disease is an outrage. I propose an amalgamated border force to prevent these illegal immigrants entering the country. We could hold these birds on an offshore island and only allow them into the country after a rigorous screening process to see if they are disease free and economically good for the country, rather than just shitting on our cars.

    How many birds entered this country in the last year? Too damn many

  3. Daily Mail reader - 9/4/2006 - 1:36pm

    Birds are migrant. Therefore they are immigrants. Therefore they all must die.

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